bubbles

i couldn’t sleep–and i don’t know why.

so i got acquainted with my ceiling
– all high and mighty
full of wisdom, i must say
with its nooks and crannies
and cracks that speak of age,
of experience.

i tossed and turned
and tossed some more;
hummed a tune, smiled at a thought
stared at nothing
but thinking of everything

i thought i did all
if only to make my eyes close;
shutting out the world i’ve known
to retire even just for the night
straining to hear the lullaby
to dream of big dreams
and to wake up into yet,
another new day.

i couldn’t sleep at all–and still i don’t know why.

justinecan’tsleep.com
march 20, 2007

my lolo mocring died on a thursday afternoon, august 17.

i was not with him–actually i haven’t been with him in a while, which made it harder for me. i didn’t get to say goodbye, to ask for forgiveness, or at the very least say thank you.

i cried, and i remembered.

he was always about the family. if he’s not out there in his Stetson hat and a journal in his hand finding somebody, anybody who has even the tiniest linkage to the clan, he’d be sitting by his study, his head burried on his columnar notebooks–patiently yet heartily keeping family ties, from the very root, to the most recent offspring. 

his patience and humility took him places and made him accomplish so many things. who else would have the "energy" to play one-on-one mahjong just to please our 97-year old lola sally? or took time learning the computer and yes, use the cellphone just to keep in touch with the rest of the family? only Lolo Mocring can do that.

his journals, his family trees, his white sando and khaki shorts, his "pangkamot", his red toyota corolla, his loud sneeze, his violin, the "barber" in him (i proudly donned a shorter than short bangs for like a month when i was in gradeschool);

his love for his Ding, for Thenes, for Obet, Nilda and Germie; his pride and joy in Aby, Shari, Tine Tine, Bingle, Jamine, Lovely and Ahgem; his "fulfillment" in getting to play with Obi and Miggy… that’s my Lolo Mocring.

i cried because i didn’t get to say goodbye, i cried even harder because i didn’t really know how to. all i can say is thank you for the memories, the love, the family.

go towards the light Lolo, we’ll be okay. we love you and we’ll miss you.

———-
saying goodbye

is it with a smile?
or a quiet sigh of thanks?
you are bound for an eternity of greatness, afterall
free of pain, a lifetime of Godliness, forever at peace.

should my eyes be brimmed with tears?
a mirror of a great loss–of regrets, of guilt?
of things left unsaid, of apologies unforgiven, of promises unkept?

is it a celebration of a life so full, so loved?
humble and humane and always a family man
unaware of his own pains and regrets
inexpressive of his fears, if only to keep you happy.

to say goodbye, i don’t know how
not with all your memories
and with all your love kept alive
in our minds, in our souls, in our hearts
in all of us… in all of me.

to Lolo Mocring, I LOVE YOU
from tinetine 082406

Last night I cried
Not just a tear—even my heart.
As I slowly, quietly
Let out a grief, a sigh
Of sweet surrender, of letting go.

Last night I cried
Not just a tear but even my heart
As I whispered a little prayer
For more versions of you
Though vague, even only in fragments.

Last night I cried
Not just a tear but with my whole heart
As I savored every moment
With all my mind, my heart, my soul
Of what was our happiness, our bliss, our love
Finally set free, finally forgiven
But will never ever be forgotten.

tine
051706

Until Then: An Excerpt

…They just sat close to each other, playing with each other’s hand, not really knowing what to do next, or what to say, and worse, how to say goodbye.

She was resting her head on his shoulder when she finally said it: “I can never hate you. I don’t think I can, and I don’t think I will.”

He sighed in relief as he closed his eyes to savor her words. Gently he hugged her close as he kissed the top of her head. “Thank you,” he whispered.

She looked up at him with a smile, then she wrapped her arms around him for a hug, like it was for the very last time. She had always missed being in those arms—and she knew she would go on missing that, but she also knew that she doesn’t have to wait that long to be in the arms of someone else, maybe someone who’s just as great, if not better.

“Is this it?” He asked, still holding her in his arms.

“It’s better this way.”

“What if—“

“I can’t afford any more what ifs,” she cut him short, looking at him. “If something ever becomes of this, then we’ll go from there. Until then, let’s leave it all here for now.”

He smiled at her, the very same smile he had the first time he saw her. She had forgiven but had not forgotten. She had loved and lost, but was never defeated. All that and more was the woman he knew he loved, and in his heart of hearts would go on loving, forever.

“Yeah,” he whispered back, holding her close for one last time. "Until then.”

Seasons have come and gone

Sunshines, moonbeams

Leaves cracking ‘neath soles

Snowflakes melting on the tip of your nose

People passing

A kin, a stranger, a friend

A significant other here and there

Sometimes true, but for most times a mistake

So heads shake

And tears unwillingly fall.

Eyes that speak

Hands that entwine

Kisses that linger

A love that was everything but…

What I would do

To have that, to feel that

One more time

Even for the last time.

how long has it been?
an hour, a day, a year or two?
in my mind you have always stayed
reminiscent of happy thoughts
of stolen moments, of sad goodbyes…
each picture a distant but wonderful memory
each detail a reminder, a flicker of hope
that dreams come to life
that love conquers
that forever does happen.

how long has it been?
an hour, a day, a year or two?
in my mind yes, you still linger
but neither held on–not even i.

i have forgiven but not forgotten
not with regret nor was indignant
just allowing each day to happen
until the healing has completed
and at last looking forward
to another hour, another day, another year or two
even though it’s no longer with you.

tine
020806

eto na ang top teyng, eto na ang top teyng
(long live TVJ!)

in honor of the month of love, here are my top 10 things that i miss most about being in love:

10. smiling
smiling alone makes people wonder what you’re up

to… pano na kung ngumingite ka dahil in love ka? di

naman sa nababaliw ka… it’s just that you’re radiating

so much you just have to smile it off.

9. lovesongs
ano nga sabi ni gerard kenny? "…and i find myself

humming love songs again and again…" admit it: lahat

ng naramadaman mo pag in love ka, may katapat na

love song. concert na ito.

8. text-text
uy may nagmamahal unlimited or not, admit or

don’t–nothing beats waking up to that tootoot-tootoot

from him/her, saying hi, how was ur sleep, pa hug

nga, cnt w8 2 c u, mis u na, luv u po, luv u mor, luv u

most, luv u mostest, sugar and spice and everything

nice.

7. it’s a date
feels good to dress up and look good for a date no?

and being on a date itself… para kasi ang gaganda

ganda mo at ang haba ng hair mo….

6. flowers
i read somewhere that "no matter what a woman

says, she’ll always want flowers." i couldn’t agree

more.

5. movies
aminin… kahit B movie tungkol sa isang alien na

nanggaling sa kung saang planeta eh pinatos nyo.

what better excuse nga naman to hold hands, cuddle

and hug for about two, sometimes three hours sa dilim

at lamig ng SM, G4, Rockwell, Robinsons… long live

epics!

4. hugging and cuddling
the feeling of finding yourself wrapped in someone’s

arms is truly overwhelming… feels like home eh, kasi

alam mo na secured ka, na mahal ka ‘nya… haay.

3. holding hands
if it fits like a glove but it’s not a glove; if you feel static

but there’s no leather or metal anywhere–that’s

touching, or holding hands. it’s an exhilirating feeling

when you find your hand lost in his/her, tipong you

don’t know where your fingers begin, and where

his/her’s end. intertwined baga. sabi nga ni tom hanks

in "sleepless in seattle", it’s….magic.

2. kissing
ah yes… the bliss of getting lost in the bliss, love and

passion of a perfect kiss. the world does stop. and

you don’t care less about anything else… just you,

him/her, and your breaths becoming one.

1. the thought of just being with him/her
it’s mushy, it’s downright corny… pero yung sinasabi

ni dingdong avanzado na "walang kailangan pa, basta’t

kasama kita", totoo yun.

just the thought of knowing and feeling that someone

is in love with you is inexplicable..tapos yung feeling

na magkasama kayo, iba rin eh. kesyo may ginagawa

kayo–pusoy, nuod ng  tv, soundtrip… kahit nga wala

eh, kahit magtitigan lang kayo, o manahimik, ayos

lang.

kasi andun yung love eh, nag-ra-radiate,

nag-e-exude… so much you don’t have to do anthing

to prove or show it, kasi ayan na, kumakaway,

nakangite.

all that’s really left is that wish that it will last not just

now, but for always.

happy valentine’s day everyone.

“People change all the time, that’s the problem. When people are together, they keep track of these changes, and adjust, make sacrifices or grow together. But sometimes people change in different directions, and the distance just grows.”
– Vince’s Life by Vince Teves, Seventeen Philippines

…how is it also possible that there are certain “reruns” in your life that’s so vivid, you can practically see/smell/hear/touch/feel it? and when does it stop? why won’t it stop?

did you ever feel that today was just a rerun of yesterday with just a tiny tad of difference? well that’s my life now–it’s one big rerun. wonder how the season finale goes?